The Boy King

I have a new name for the esteemed head of our trading desk. From now on, Jimmy the Kid will be referred to as the Boy King.

You know the fable, surely? The one about a juvenile monarch who wields absolute power, and forces older and wiser people to jump through meaningless hoops? I always knew that Jimmy’s rise to power read like something out of a fairy tale, but I never realized how apt the analogy was until now.

For he is a petty tyrant, the sovereign of all he surveys, and he rejoices in the capricious exercise of power. The more arbitrary the exercise, the happier he is. Jimmy is destroying the morale of this once-proud organization at a rate of knots.

Fortunately there are ways to work around him. Because just like a toddler, he’s easily distracted by shiny new toys. So every week he has a new project that he decides to take in hand. Last week it was risk management; this week I believe it’s settlements. He chugs around with great enthusiasm making life miserable for the poor slobs who have to actually handle settlements. He comes up with suggestions that are not just impractical, they are existentially impossible. Fortunately he never follows up on anything because by next week he will be distracted by his next shiny toy.

I only hope the settlements team doesn’t mess things up and resist Jimmy’s onslaught. The greatest danger is that they’ll tell him he’s out of his depth, or nix his suggestions out of hand. If they do that he will dig in his heels, and insist on seeing his changes put into practice, with disastrous consequences for all concerned. Much smarter is for the settlements team to nod and agree with everything he says, promise to implement his plans “as soon as possible”, and then do absolutely nothing.

Indeed, faced with Jimmy’s rapidly oscillating enthusiasms, the whole firm has embarked on a policy of aggressively doing nothing. Fortunately, the markets have been doing nothing as well, so it doesn’t look like we’re underperforming. Our investors are thrilled, especially since our transaction costs are falling lower by the day (if you don’t trade, of course you won’t have transaction costs). Essentially, we’re being paid to just sit around.

Easy money.